Pool vs Beach - which is best?
I should point out for the benefit of new readers that I really don't spend my holidays ogling women's breasts (honest) and that much of what you may read in my blog entries comes with a certain poetic licence in the interests of humour.
We went to the beach today as it was yet another gloriously hot sunny day. After a few early setbacks the children did enjoy themselves though it did entail a lot of chucking sand about much of which went over me. We went to the town beach rather than the huge expanse that is the famous sand dunes. Now the town beach is perfectly adequate but not a patch on the dunes - however as is always the case, one must take into the practicalities of having young children in tow.
It did get me thinking about the age old debate of beach vs pool - which is best. Hard to say, isn't it, so I thought I would use my famous Ayres analytical skills to look at it mathematically and come up with the definitive answer, based on marks out of 10 for a number of key categories. Now as always with this sort of thing, I hve written this purely from a personal perspective, so I make no apology if the categories I have covered don't entirely match up to what you think is important. Still, whose blog is this anyway, mine or yours? Exactly. Right then, off we go.
Catering Facilities
Pool: Can't really complain on this front, the pool bar here has plenty of drinks and snacks on the go, you don't even have to go and get them, a waitress will bring them to you. Or if you are tight like me you can always nip back to the room to get a nice cold drink out of the fridge. [8/10]
Beach: Generally you have to take your own food which usually spells disaster as sand will get into everything - that nice fresh can of coke you brought with you which is now warm, and gritty sandwiches. The added dimension of children will scupper any clever schemes you dream up to get around it. There's no getting away from it, you are better off having lunch before or after you go [3/10]
Fun Factor:
Pool: Depends where you go - paddling in the baby pool and maybe a bit of organised fun by the entertainers, e.g. Water polo - if the other holidaymakers can be bothered, which they usually can't. Swimming if you can brave the icy waters - though to be fair they have not been too bad lately. And if the choice of music is crap on the stereo there is always the iPod. [6/10].
Beach: It has to be said, the beach edges it on this one, as it has one extra thing you can't get at the pool and that's sand. Whether it's sandcastles, writing in it, chucking it around, it's all there, plus there's waves and tides and rock pools and all the rest. [8/10]
Health and Safety:
The pool is a controlled environment and has a lifeguard so people are unlikely to get into trouble, though kids running around on the slippery edge of a pool can be a worry. Generally the water is pretty clean, though chlorine isn't everyone's cup of tea and there's always the risk of a nasty in the pool - we have always used swimming nappies for our kids but not everyone does. [8/10]
Beach: Somewhat more unpredictable - you can never be entirely sure where that water pouring out of the pipes into the sea has come from e.g. Straight from the hotel toilets, then there's the risk of injury from various flora and fauna - I have heard some right horror stories on that front. Plus you've got the added risk that if your child floats off on a lilo they aren't just going over to the other side of the pool they could end up halfway to Africa. Plus there's the ever present danger of a tsunami if that volcano on Las Palmas erupts, though to be fair that would probably take out the entire island, beach and pool. [4/10].
Toilet facilities:
Pool: Plenty of toilets around for the use of hotel guests, failing that you can always nip back to the room. Very handy when the words " I need a poo, Daddy", enter the conversation. [9/10].
Beach: Potentially a major problem - at the town beach your only option is to find a nearby cafe and that means having to buy a drink etc. If it's only a number one required then there is always the option of letting one go in the sea - let's face it we've all done it at some point, and no-one's going to know. It's not as if there are not millions of fish in there all doing it all day long. If it's a number two you could be in trouble. Years ago I was up at the dunes after a particularly heavy Sangria and cider session the previous evening and a rather suspect prawn cocktail when a pressing need to go gurgled it's way around down below. With only the two hotels up there available with nothing else for miles around I had no option but to make a mad dash for one of them - several hundred yards away. Of course being an all inclusive hotel everyone was wearing wristbands, and despite bluffing my way through the back gate that led between beach and pool, I knew they were on to me. I kept going past the pool but I could hear the guard on his radio alerting the others that there was an alien would be poo-er in the hotel - what followed was like a scene from the movie The Fugitive. Although I found a cubicle just before a major accident occurred in my swimming trunks, I was now trapped as the security forces raced up and down the corridoors outside , radios crackling, alarms sounding, guns at the ready. Suffice to say I was lucky to get out alive, and if it was not for my own ingenuity and cat like cunning I might not be here to tell the tale today [2/10].
Tits:
Pool: Despite the good weather there's not been many on display at all this year, and what there has been has not been pleasant viewing. Definitely more GILF than MILF around here, and most should come with some sort of health warning e.g. Best Before 1979. It's GILF but most definitely without the ILF! Also ogling is more risky at the hotel - if you get caught looking at the beach - well you probably won't see them again, wheras if you get caught here it will be all round the hotel by the evening - giving you a reputation as some sort of lecherous sex maniac which you definitely don't want. Even if it is true. [3/10].
Beach: A much more enjoyable location for budding ornothologists, a really fine display this year, and a real advert for the pro-Europeans, truly a multicultural joy, and just the thing to brighten up a rather drab and seaweed strewn beach. [9/10].
So the five categories have been fought out and it is time to tot up the scores. And it's a resounding success for the pool with 34 points compared to just 26 for the beach. So it's pool all the way for me!
Jason xx
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