Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Does what it says on the tin

Ronseal - does what it says on the tin.

Fair enough - if they say so. It's unlikely I'll ever have the opportunity to find out. I am ashamed to admit I am absolutely woeful when it comes to any sort of DIY/ gardening/ decorating type work - delete as appropriate.

And apparently, this is bad news for a male. Some report I read on the internet the other day - can't remember where exactly, but it was a newspaper report posted to Facebook, suggests that women are more likely to be attracted to a male who is "good with his hands". Some sort of primeval instinct or something, apparently.

This may go some way towards explaining a) the disgraceful state my starter home was in when I sold it, eight years after moving in and b) my general lack of success with women during that era of my twenties when I was supposedly in my prime.

Fortunately things picked up on the latter front once the new Millennium dawned, as you can see from the picture at the top of the blog, I've done it at least twice since then! However, my DIY skills remain poor. Perhaps renting is the best long term option for me. At least if anything then goes wrong, you can call the landlord.

Speaking of things that do what they say on the tin, or not in this case, I have a friend I race with frequently on GT6 who hails from down under who rather disparagingly refers to us Brits as "Yellow Teeth". He's got a point, I suppose. It's fair to say that the average person you meet in this country is unlikely to have teeth straight off the set of Neighbours in the unlikely event that they greet you with a cheery smile.

Which is strange when you think about it, because Whitening Toothpaste is all the rage on the toothpaste fixtures in the supermarkets these days:

"See the difference in 2 weeks"
"Removes stubborn tobacco, red wine and coffee stains"
"Contains active oxygen bubbles"
"Clinically proven"
"Guaranteed to get you a shag off a real hottie within a month"
"Become a film star, X factor winner, supermodel or some other bullshit if you spend £3 on this".

OK I made the last two up but you get the drift.


Anyway, I have fallen for the advertisers dream and been buying this garbage for the past year and when I look in the mirror I still see the same yellow gnashers looking back at me. Which leads me to conclude that Whitening Toothpaste is about as likely to whiten your teeth as Red Bull is to give you wings. Which the advertising standards people recently concluded that it didn't.

So to sum up, I can't do DIY and I've got crap teeth. Good job I'm not single, isn't it, I'd never pull again.

Jason Ayres has just released his latest novel, Global Cooling. You can find it on Amazon by clicking here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Global-Cooling-Time-Bubble-Book-ebook/dp/B00OTTETV4/

Also available from Jason Ayres:

The Time Bubble
The Sausage Man
Austerity Dad
Fortysomething Father

Tuesday, 14 October 2014


I bumped into a blog fan this morning who informed me that she was having withdrawal symptoms waiting for my next blog post - so Miss (Mrs?) H, here's a quickie (of the literary kind) just for you.

In case you're wondering about the lack of blog entries it's because I've been full steam ahead on the new book, which is going really well. I've written about two thirds of it so far and am still hopeful to have it launched by my pencilled in date of 28th November - allowing for proofreading etc.

Anyway, quickies. It's pretty much quickie everything these days it seems to me. I'm not sure if that's just me or the world at large but as the years pass, the phrase "there's just not enough hours in the day" seems to ring ever more true. God knows how people with a full time job manage.

As for quickies, well, I'm not just talking about them in the conventional sense (i.e sex), but I can't imagine many people these days are having long tantric intimate sessions, if indeed they ever did. A quick one during the ad break in Downton Abbey is probably the best most of us can hope for (assuming the kids have gone to sleep by then of course). Or if we're really pushing the boat out, half-time in the football. But it's not just sex. Whilst out in the car with the wife and kids and fancying a bite to eat, given the choice between a nice sit down meal in a restaurant and a quickie meal in McDonalds, it's Big Macs every time. Not because I prefer McDonalds, I don't but it just not worth the hassle of the other option, and besides, there's never enough time.

In fact, this is going to have to also be a quickie blog. There are a number of things I have been doing that I would like to elaborate on, but given time constraints, instead of my usual long rambling anecdotes, you're going to have to settle for a list..

So here are five notable things that have happened since my last blog entry.

1) Ollie got elected to the pupil council at school = proud dad.

2) I went to Telford to do the sausage tasting again. There were 700 this year and I came away with an extremely large "doggy bag".

3) I bought a new car. Well not a new car, one slightly newer than the other one which is about to die. I must try not to hit the gateposts with this new one.

4) I went to the dentist (twice) and the eye hospital (twice). Uninteresting, so I won't elaborate.

5) You can now get 8 bags of Marmite flavoured crisps for a quid in Poundland. They are my new favourite flavour.

Love 'em or hate 'em?

And that's about it really. Back to the book now. Hope my little entry has helped to take away your cravings for a while. I'll be back x

Jason Ayres is the author of time travel novel "The Time Bubble", set in a small market town near Oxford, available now from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Time-Bubble-Jason-Ayres-ebook/dp/B00L3K1B8G/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_1