Saturday, 3 June 2017


For as long as I can remember, I've loved quiz shows. When I was a kid it was Sale of the Century and Winner Takes All. I loved the gambling element of the latter, with it's betting odds on the answers. As a teenager it was Going For Gold at with Henry Kelly, which I used to watch on my lunch break when I worked for Martins.

There have been hundreds of different formats over the years, the nature of which vary considerably, There are those where knowledge is everything e.g. Who Wants to be a Millionaire, to those where the questions play only a minor part in what is largely a game of chance. The dreadful, Babushka, recently broadcast on ITV, is a good example of the latter. I've been around a long time, but I am in no way exaggerating in saying this is the worst "quiz" show I have ever seen. And there have been some shockers.

Some don't even bother with questions at all, a prime example being Deal or no Deal. That was quite an interesting concept when it started, but it got boring really quickly. I'd had enough after the first week, and that wasn't just down to it being presented by the dreaded Edmonds. Even Brucie couldn't have rescued this one. It's basically just people opening boxes - yet somehow this garbage managed to run for over a decade.

Question free game shows can be fun, though. I loved Goldenballs, but that had Jasper Carrott at the helm, and you can't go wrong with Carrott.

Where is all this leading? Well, quite simply, I really, really want to go on a quiz show! As it happens, I have applied for two so far, but failed to get on either.

On both occasions, I passed the initial tests, and then got invited to an audition. The first was for The Weakest Link, some years ago. I won the practice game we played, but didn't get invited back. More recently, I applied for Tipping Point, again getting called in for a screen test but failing to get on, despite seemingly flying through the audition with flying colours.

I thought I had done really well and had a good chance of getting on. This was in February, but the phone didn't ring. They said if I hadn't heard anything by the end of May that I probably wouldn't have been picked. It's now June 3rd, so I guess that's the end of that. Pity, as I reckon I would have done well at that. My old gran was demon at those penny falls machines in the arcades, and I reckon I could have done her proud with the skills she passed on.

I'm not sure why I didn't get on. At first, I thought perhaps they didn't want ugly middle-aged fat blokes, but then I looked at the contestants they had on last week and concluded it couldn't have been that. Oh well, I wasn't that enamored of Tipping Point anyway, I only applied for it because I thought it would be easy to win.

The show I really love, and would like to go on above all others, is Pointless. Why do I love this show so much? Because it's not just about right and wrong answers. It's about getting the more obscure answers. As someone who has spent a whole lifetime memorising trivia, from pop charts to winners of major sporting events, the invention of this show is manna from heaven for me. So if the category was something like "Artists who had a number one hit in 1985", I'd be all over it with Paul Hardcastle and Phyliss Nelson whilst my rivals would be going for the more obvious like Madonna and Wham!

Hopefully I can do a little better than this lot!

I watch most days now, timing the cooking so tea will be ready around quarter past five. There are old episodes on Challenge too, though you have to be a little careful with your answers on those due to the age of the show. It's no good picking Max Verstappen as the name of a Grand Prix winner when he was still in short trousers when the episode was made. To gauge how old the episode is, I usually go by the size of Alexander Armstrong's bald patch which is a pretty accurate yardstick.

Over the course of the show, I do pretty well, but that's no guarantee of success. You've only got to get the wrong category or type of question on this show and you're sunk. For example - I am terrible with films. I rarely watch them. I have always having preferred TV series, digestible in lots of small chunks over a long period of time. I also find photo rounds really hard, I don't know why, but I have always found identifying faces incredibly hard - as opposed to identifying voices which I'm much better at.

Everything about this show is great. The banter between the hosts and relaxed atmosphere makes it one that I would love to go on. I think that Richard Osman has possibly my dream job in television. I would love to sit at his desk, spouting facts and figures to an enthralled audience. I have spent some years of my own life attempting to dispense such information in the pub to a less enthusiastic reception. Sadly it has always fallen on deaf ears due to my drinking companions always having more interest in earthly matters, such as whether or not the barmaid is "up for it".

So, I am determined to get on Pointless. I don't seem to have had much luck in my other auditions, so what I really need is someone to come on with me who can dazzle the gatekeepers who decide who can can can't come on daytime TV. The more glamorous the better. If you're clever as well, even better, but if not, just memorise the periodic table, flags of the world and the entire IMDB database. I'll try and cover the rest.