Biscuits Alive!

Every now and then I like to do a little blog about one of the many hobbies/ interests that have been part of my life over the years.

Today I thought I would talk about Viz.

Now most of you reading will know what Viz is - many will have read it at some point, or at least be aware of it to some degree - famous characters such as the Fat Slags and Sid The Sexist have passed into national folklore.

Here's a piccie or two to jog your memory:

Come on San, I think G's is still open!

And there's one of these in every pub!

The great thing about Viz is that it has basically never really changed. It's been a constant backdrop to my life - appropriately for something classed as "toilet humour" a lot of my reading of said tome has taken place in that exact location. A 1 or 2 page strip is just right for a morning movement I find. Yes, life has changed a great deal for me over the years, but Viz has always been there.

I remember the day I first discovered it - in the old great Virgin Megastore in Oxford. Not the one you may remember on Cornmarket Street that later changed into Zavvi, but the original one in the Westgate Centre, later Mark One, no idea what it is now.

Anyway it was about 26 or 27 years ago, one lunchtime during school, wandered into the megastore, went downstairs, and browsed around the Spectrum games to see what was new out. Went over to the counter where incidentally they also sold Mates Condoms - one of the first high street shops to do so, looked at them wistfully and wondered if it was worth investing the 45p for three that might by some miracle help me lose my virginity. A quick check of the use by dates on them suggested it was probably a bad gamble.

However, next to the Mates, which would never experience the excitement that I was wondering if I ever would, for just the princely sum of 60p was this comic, staring up at me, and grabbing my attention. What on earth is this I thought? I picked it up, had a quick thumb through and was instantly hooked! There was some absolute filth inside. Not filth as in the type of filth that me and my mates dared each other to go and purchase off the top shelf of Martins opposite the Oxfam shop (a rite of passage for any young man, that one) but toilet humour, swearing and general puerile stuff that was right up the street of your average 15/16 year old back in 1986, weaned on a diet of Blackadder and The Young Ones.

Got it home, read it from cover to cover and lapped it up - this was the funniest thing ever! Soon all my mates at school were in on it too - and Viz became a national phenomenon. An annual published that year and several back copies allowed me to increase my collection.

Somehow it just gelled with my sense of humour.

Not everyone got the joke though. I remember getting a telling off from my mother along the lines of "what do you think you are doing bringing revolting magazines like that into this house" after I accidentally left it on the dining room table open at a strip called "Bertie Blunt - His Parrot's A ****". Fortunately mum has mellowed with age and I like to think she'd see the funny side now. Which was a classic Viz line in itself, the spoof letters often finishing with a "luckily we both saw the funny side" type line, taking the piss out of all the lame letters in those crappy magazines like "Take A Break". Also taken the piss out of were the many real kids comics, which Beano and Dandy style would often sign off with a line such as "And there'll be more fun and frolics with Buster Gonad and his unfeasibly large testicles next week". Even though the magazine only came out every two months.

Now here we are a quarter of a century plus later - with no doubt many of my classmates having grown out of such juvenile humour but I never have. Got all the annuals, to replace my decaying magazines, and anyone who visits here will know it's more likely than not you may find a Viz book in the toilet if you pay a visit to the small room.

With so many strips to choose from, it's so hard to pick a favourite. But here's a little anecdote revolving around one of the many many strips that appeared only once in the magazine (or so it seemed). For every Sid The Sexist and Biffa Bacon there was many a random strip that appeared once or twice never to see the light of day again. I often enjoyed the really lame 3 or 4 frame one line strips that appeared on the bottom of the letters page. One of my favourites that appeared in the early 90s was called Biscuits Alive! Quite honestly it is utter crap, but that's the beauty of it. It is finding such humour from its lameness that it had me roaring with laughter at the time. The plot basically consists of a boy getting his biscuits to help him with his maths homework. Anyway, some time after this, a colleague of mine at Nielsen's, Gina G as she was known by me (real name Georgina Roe) was struggling with some complex calculations for a project she was doing for some retailer or other, and was getting quite stressed out by it all. So while she was at lunch one day, I photocopied "Biscuits Alive! and left it on her desk with a packet of biscuits. She did get the joke and Biscuits Alive! ended up pinned to her wall space for the rest of her time at Nielsen's.

So that was it for Biscuits Alive - or so I thought. The great thing about Viz as I said is that it never changes, and is aware of its own history. Long term readers are occasionally rewarded with little references back to things that happened years or even decades ago Imagine my delight on getting the latest Viz annual last year and discovering a brand new Biscuits Alive! strip. This one running to a mighty six frames! And every bit of lame as the first one. But the line that had me rolling around on the floor in laughter? At the end of the strip it said "And there'll be more fun with Biscuits Alive! in another 18 years" Roll on 2028 I say!

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Jason xx