Private Dick

Yes, that's right, I am considering a new career as a private dick. And yes I know what you are thinking, but no, I am not about to become a male prostitute. Not that it is not an attractive career option when one considers an ideal world scenario, i.e. a string of beautiful women paying hundreds of pounds to have sex with me in luxury hotels, however, the reality is likely to be somewhat different - £20 for a quick fumble down the alley opposite G's is more likely, and to be honest even that is an unlikely scenario. As any marketing person worth their salt will tell you, you cannot sell what people don't want to buy, and since I've spent most of my adult life (the single bits anyway) struggling to give it away, I think any fiscal renumeration is unlikely unless I have radical plastic surgery to make me look like Captain Jack. Or Peter Andre for one friend I shan't mention (I wonder if she reads this...?)

That was rather a long explanation - but I thought it best - as H said on my status the other day - it does sound rather dodgy.

No - the kind of private dick I am talking about is the kind inspired by countless books, films, and TV, and here are a few that have captured my imagination over the years.

Patrick Stewart as Dixon Hill - in a Star Trek holodeck mystery.

Every lad my age wanted to be as cool as
David Addison in Moonlighting back in the 80s

Not solving crimes - but medical mysteries.

The latest addition to the Sherlock legend - with a modern day twist.

Yes, I've always fancied myself as a bit of a private detective. Now I could not even begin to pretend to be in the same league as Sherlock or House who are true geniuses, but then I would be unlikely to be attempting to solve complex murders or medical problems.

However - anyone who knows me well will tell you I am very very good at reading people and pick up on a lot of subtle hints and clues that people don't even realising they are giving off. This isn't always necessarily a good thing. It's very hard to keep quiet when someone is telling you one thing and you know quite blatantly that they are bullshitting, but you can't say anything. I learnt this the hard way at Nielsen with a number of idiotic bosses who thought that a job title and a nice suit meant that they were more intelligent than me. Fortunately I survived in the Nielsen jungle with a lot of skill and cunning and people who thought they were cleverer than me invariably came unstuck. The whole Nielsen thing and working with retailers engendered a culture of secrecy and frequent paranoia among clients about industrial espionage and such things. I never really saw a great deal of evidence of this - but I guess it would have been easy to do - if not a little unethical.  A lot of us at Nielsen got to spend a lot of time on site at clients - anyway I was never offered any money to spy on one retailer or pub company for example - but I am sure such things must go on.

As for being a private detective, I would imagine there's not a great deal of exciting murders or serious crimes to investigate as we are led to believe on the telly. Industrial espionage - unlikely. Maybe a few local issues like fraud etc, but let's face it, the majority of work in this arena is more likely being hired by suspicious spouses to follow people to see if they are having affairs.

I reckon I am top notch at spotting such things. I have lived in Bicester for over 20 years and let's face it, there's enough of it goes on. As a DJ I am in quite a unique position to view what goes on, and it's quite interesting to people watch at some of the events I DJ at. Even when they are all people I don't know - like tonight. Amazing the small details you can pick up - not only things like who's having an affair with who, but also who hates each other (in-laws usually).

With people I know it's even better - but I am not going to go into any detail, but I see everything, and I hear everything - and once my curiosity is piqued by something my eyes are watching like a hawk. You would be amazed at how easily some people betray themselves, and the beauty of it all is that they do not even realise they are doing it. I am also very good at not letting on that I know - if you really want to get to the bottom of something, never look suspicious. Let them think you don't suspect a thing.

Every time I suspect something I am invariably right - but I take no pleasure in it. When something is finally confirmed I usually act surprised - that way people continue to think I am easily fooled in the future and I can conceal my master detective skills beneath a cloak of idiocy and Strongbow drinking.

I don't often have to detect much anyway, because fortunately I have a reputation (well deserved) of being 100% trustworthy therefore often I am confided in by people and I don't betray that trust. I don't think there are many people that I could say that about. 

So between the secrets confided in me, and the things I work out for myself I have got a pretty good knowledge of what's going on around here most of the time. If I was a gossip I could have a field day, fortunately I am not so I leave that to those who have nothing better to do - most of whom end up barking up the wrong tree most of the time anyway. Those who gossip most have the least accurate information it seems to me.

Sometimes I see things that are completely blatantly obvious and yet it's amazing what people think they've got away with. I find though it's better to just let them get on with it. It's their lives after all. I'd rather concentrate on my own.

My attention to detail - you will remember that I have 100% recall of facts, numbers, dates also comes in handy. I can spot patterns in people's behaviour - where and when they go places - and when that changes. And facebook has added an even greater dimension to that - I can tell what people are up to by what they post - the reasoning being - why has she or he written that and why? Especially those who appear to be going out of their way to appear to be where they ought to be. Transparent is not the word!

So I think I would make a good private detective - speciality - unfaithful spouses. As an added bonus I haven't mentioned yet, one big benefit of this job is that I may even get to take some photographs of people having sex (for purely professional reasons of course, so it can't be illegal - can it?)

Now all I need is my detective name...

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Jason xx