The Jason Ayres Television Show
For some time now I have been working on plans for my own sketch show starring me, as a variety of comic characters.
Now the sketch show genre has always been a bit hit and miss for me. Now if you are talking about the Fast Show or Harry Enfield's Television Programme (later Harry Enfield and Chums) these are among my favourite shows of all time! Suits You Sir! You Don't Want To Do It Like That! A Bit Of Bachman Turner Overdrive! These catchphrases have passed into legend.
So I think it is high time we had a new sketch show, and have been developing a number of characters. Now many of these I have had in development for a number of years. You may even have encountered versions of them in the pub, or on facebook from time to time. Here are a few of them:
Bloaticus
Bloaticus is like a modern day throwback to ancient Roman times. His entire life consists of gorging himself on gargantuan feasts and bragging about his depraved sexual acts in the pub. Bizarrely due to being hideously overweight, self-obsessed and not particularly good looking, he is inexplicably attractive to women. They are flocking around him constantly much to the consternation of his much better looking and fitter mates who accordingly never have any luck with women.
Gerald Mincen
Gerald is like a camp altar ego of mine with an obsession with eating crisps. He is "in touch with his feminine side" and consequently the whole world thinks he is gay, despite him in fact being heterosexual. This is a cause of great frustration to him as he listens to a succession of women telling him "all the best ones are married or gay, if only you weren't etc etc etc. Unlike Bloaticus, Gerald's sex life is practically non existent. A number of sketches are based on Gerald's attempts to appear more manly, which subsequently backfire with humorous consequences. Gerald is a huge fan of Torchwood, particularly Captain Jack who is his hero.
Captain Chubchaser and the Moobed Marvel.
A pair of would be crime fighting superheroes who on seeing a crime being committed race to the nearest phone box and drink a bottle of magic Strongbow, transforming into their costumes before emerging to apprehend the miscreants. Unfortunately one of the side effects of the magic Strongbow is that it makes them become helplessly obsessed with larger women, the larger the better, to the extent that they spend their entire time attempting to get off with them instead while the villains get away.
When I pitched this idea to a major TV network initially, it was felt that it (and to a lesser extent the Gerald Mincen character) might be seen as un-PC in this day and age. However, they accepted my argument that it portrayed the "fuller figured" woman in a positive light in a world obsessed with supermodels and agreed that there was some mileage in the characters.
I play the Moobed Marvel in this sketch, and have someone in mind to play the Captain.
Lord Bicester
Lord Bicester is a normal bloke with delusions of grandeur who lives in a 3 bedroom house in Chapel Street that he refers to as his "mansion". He speaks with a plum in his mouth and begins every conversation with the phrase "Good Evening" spoke in the style of Alfred Hitchcock no matter what time of day it is. He is horrified by the pop culture lifestyle of the modern world and frequently denounces anything which he perceives as "chavvy" whilst writing letters to the Times and the local paper about local issues. Catchphrases include "This Country", "Some people" and "Unbelievable"
TV Trev
TV Trev is obsessed with television. When he isn't watching it he is talking about it. He fancies himself as a bit of a continuity announcer and this frequently finds his way into every day conversation, for example, when meeting his friends at the pub, he will begin the conversation with expressions such as "Previously - at the White Hart". He also likes to write down the cast and characters of everyone that appeared in the pub that evening in his own personal episode guide. He refuses to acknowledge any other genre of entertainment, and particularly hates cinema. Were he to be engaged in a conversation about Star Trek and someone were to mention Star Wars his response would be "Never heard of it".
Tommy Trivia
Tommy is a man with a talent, sadly he does not put it to good use. He is a walking wikipedia, seemingly knowing everything about everything, yet is unable to hold down a job, or make any money it seems. He tends to take over any conversation at the drop of the hat. For example were someone to casually mention "Oh I like S Club 7" in a pub, this would be the prelude to a 10 minute monologue listing all of their singles, the dates they entered the charts, position reached and so on and so forth. Could easily empty the quiz machine in the pub or win the top prize on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" but none of this ever occurs to him, as he prefers annoying other people. Would probably get on quite well with TV Trev if they ever met.
Bet Bob Billy
Billy is obsessed with gambling and calculating odds for anything and everything, even on which woman he is going to sleep with tonight (in reality probably none). Never seen without the Racing Post tucked under his arm. he is completely unable to hold any conversation without using horse racing terminology, e.g. a bad trip to the toilet described as "heavy going" and even when having sex he's been known to shout out expressions such as "he's entering the final furlong, and he's beginning to get up..." etc etc.
Carnivorous Carl
Carnivorous Carl is obsessed with meat. In fact it forms 100% of his diet. Never mind ordering the "burger without the bun" in McDonalds he orders 10 of them without buns, salad, fries, or drink. Meanwhile, a donor kebab is minus the salad and sauce and pitta bread. His main obsession is ham and he cooks a kilogram one each day which he lovingly glazes and then slices up in his Andrew James meat slicer. His main ambition is to go around the world and eat every animal, needless to say he's not very popular with the WWF. Even when driving along the road he has been observed salivating at the roadkill.
So there you go, those are my initial characters, I will probably add a few more before we make it to screen. I'm hoping to get signed to a minority channel at first e.g. BBC3, E4, Food Network etc but we should make it across to the main channels quite soon once it takes off. I think I should find playing most of these characters a doddle, after all, they say the first novel of many great writers was "semi-autobiographical" and there's definitely a little something of me in all these characters.
If you have any suggestions for how to improve the characters, or perhaps even if you fancy being in the show, drop me a line, as we will need a lot of supporting characters e.g. women for Bloaticus to slobber over if that appeals to you. Auditions to be held at the pub next Sunday.
If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.
Jason xx
Now the sketch show genre has always been a bit hit and miss for me. Now if you are talking about the Fast Show or Harry Enfield's Television Programme (later Harry Enfield and Chums) these are among my favourite shows of all time! Suits You Sir! You Don't Want To Do It Like That! A Bit Of Bachman Turner Overdrive! These catchphrases have passed into legend.
So I think it is high time we had a new sketch show, and have been developing a number of characters. Now many of these I have had in development for a number of years. You may even have encountered versions of them in the pub, or on facebook from time to time. Here are a few of them:
Bloaticus
Bloaticus is like a modern day throwback to ancient Roman times. His entire life consists of gorging himself on gargantuan feasts and bragging about his depraved sexual acts in the pub. Bizarrely due to being hideously overweight, self-obsessed and not particularly good looking, he is inexplicably attractive to women. They are flocking around him constantly much to the consternation of his much better looking and fitter mates who accordingly never have any luck with women.
 |
| A typical day in the life of Bloaticus |
Gerald Mincen
Gerald is like a camp altar ego of mine with an obsession with eating crisps. He is "in touch with his feminine side" and consequently the whole world thinks he is gay, despite him in fact being heterosexual. This is a cause of great frustration to him as he listens to a succession of women telling him "all the best ones are married or gay, if only you weren't etc etc etc. Unlike Bloaticus, Gerald's sex life is practically non existent. A number of sketches are based on Gerald's attempts to appear more manly, which subsequently backfire with humorous consequences. Gerald is a huge fan of Torchwood, particularly Captain Jack who is his hero.
 |
| Captain Jack |
Captain Chubchaser and the Moobed Marvel.
A pair of would be crime fighting superheroes who on seeing a crime being committed race to the nearest phone box and drink a bottle of magic Strongbow, transforming into their costumes before emerging to apprehend the miscreants. Unfortunately one of the side effects of the magic Strongbow is that it makes them become helplessly obsessed with larger women, the larger the better, to the extent that they spend their entire time attempting to get off with them instead while the villains get away.
When I pitched this idea to a major TV network initially, it was felt that it (and to a lesser extent the Gerald Mincen character) might be seen as un-PC in this day and age. However, they accepted my argument that it portrayed the "fuller figured" woman in a positive light in a world obsessed with supermodels and agreed that there was some mileage in the characters.
I play the Moobed Marvel in this sketch, and have someone in mind to play the Captain.
| Don't have any pictures yet so here is one of Batman and Robin upon whom we are loosely based. |
Lord Bicester
Lord Bicester is a normal bloke with delusions of grandeur who lives in a 3 bedroom house in Chapel Street that he refers to as his "mansion". He speaks with a plum in his mouth and begins every conversation with the phrase "Good Evening" spoke in the style of Alfred Hitchcock no matter what time of day it is. He is horrified by the pop culture lifestyle of the modern world and frequently denounces anything which he perceives as "chavvy" whilst writing letters to the Times and the local paper about local issues. Catchphrases include "This Country", "Some people" and "Unbelievable"
TV Trev is obsessed with television. When he isn't watching it he is talking about it. He fancies himself as a bit of a continuity announcer and this frequently finds his way into every day conversation, for example, when meeting his friends at the pub, he will begin the conversation with expressions such as "Previously - at the White Hart". He also likes to write down the cast and characters of everyone that appeared in the pub that evening in his own personal episode guide. He refuses to acknowledge any other genre of entertainment, and particularly hates cinema. Were he to be engaged in a conversation about Star Trek and someone were to mention Star Wars his response would be "Never heard of it".
| The perfect gift for TV Trev |
Tommy Trivia
Tommy is a man with a talent, sadly he does not put it to good use. He is a walking wikipedia, seemingly knowing everything about everything, yet is unable to hold down a job, or make any money it seems. He tends to take over any conversation at the drop of the hat. For example were someone to casually mention "Oh I like S Club 7" in a pub, this would be the prelude to a 10 minute monologue listing all of their singles, the dates they entered the charts, position reached and so on and so forth. Could easily empty the quiz machine in the pub or win the top prize on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" but none of this ever occurs to him, as he prefers annoying other people. Would probably get on quite well with TV Trev if they ever met.
| Number 1 for one week, December 2000, knocked off by Eminem with Stan the following week. |
Bet Bob Billy
Billy is obsessed with gambling and calculating odds for anything and everything, even on which woman he is going to sleep with tonight (in reality probably none). Never seen without the Racing Post tucked under his arm. he is completely unable to hold any conversation without using horse racing terminology, e.g. a bad trip to the toilet described as "heavy going" and even when having sex he's been known to shout out expressions such as "he's entering the final furlong, and he's beginning to get up..." etc etc.
| 2/1 the filly on the right!!! |
Carnivorous Carl
Carnivorous Carl is obsessed with meat. In fact it forms 100% of his diet. Never mind ordering the "burger without the bun" in McDonalds he orders 10 of them without buns, salad, fries, or drink. Meanwhile, a donor kebab is minus the salad and sauce and pitta bread. His main obsession is ham and he cooks a kilogram one each day which he lovingly glazes and then slices up in his Andrew James meat slicer. His main ambition is to go around the world and eat every animal, needless to say he's not very popular with the WWF. Even when driving along the road he has been observed salivating at the roadkill.
| Lunch down under |
So there you go, those are my initial characters, I will probably add a few more before we make it to screen. I'm hoping to get signed to a minority channel at first e.g. BBC3, E4, Food Network etc but we should make it across to the main channels quite soon once it takes off. I think I should find playing most of these characters a doddle, after all, they say the first novel of many great writers was "semi-autobiographical" and there's definitely a little something of me in all these characters.
If you have any suggestions for how to improve the characters, or perhaps even if you fancy being in the show, drop me a line, as we will need a lot of supporting characters e.g. women for Bloaticus to slobber over if that appeals to you. Auditions to be held at the pub next Sunday.
If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.
Jason xx
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