Fat Bastard
A rather offensive title, hope I don't get thrown off mumsnet's blogger network because of it. Why fat bastard? Has someone upset me? Am I fed up of Father Christmas already?
No - it's neither of those.
It just suddenly came to mind that you often here the phrase "Fat Bastard" bandied about. Well I have anyway. In fact quite often aimed in my direction. Quite unjustifiably of course. Anyway, it is rather an amusing phrase and only slightly offensive. More hardcore swearers will replace the Bastard with another word, and we all know which one to which I refer.
But then it got me thinking. You never hear the phrase "Thin Bastard" or "Fat Nice Bloke". It seems as if being a bastard and being fat are somehow intrinsically linked. Perhaps one leads to the other, but which way around? It's a classic chicken and egg situation.
If you are a complete bastard, can it lead to you getting fat? Well I can think of some scenarios where that might be true i.e. sneaking into the buffet early and eating all the food before anyone gets there is classic bastard behaviour (done that, bought the T-shirt) and clearly the additional calories from the food are going to increase ones waistline. And I was always the kind considerate one who offered to help out with the coffee and biscuits at meetings in Nielsen. This was due to the fact that there was an unwritten commandment there that no matter how many people in the meeting and how many biscuits were to be put on the plate that "There shalt only every be one chocolate one". And let me tell you, that baby had my name on it - every time.
So yes, being a bastard can make you fat. Can being fat make you a bastard? Well if you are sat next to one on an aeroplane taking up half of the seat that you paid for, you might certainly think so.
But how does one measure such a thing? Well I have invented for you a new measures of Fatbastardness, which I have unimaginatevely named the FatbastardIndex.
As you know, if you know me well, my head is one mass of numbers and complex calculations going on at all times. Unlike other people who think in more lateral terms when making decisions, i.e. "What is likely to happen if I do/ say/ buy this", the way my mind works is "What is the percentage probability of x occurring". It's been quite useful down the years at calculating all manner of things. For example, "What is the % chance of me getting away with it if I claim I am going to a meeting in Leeds but instead just go home and go to bed", or "Based on the conversation so far in the pub this evening, what is the % chance of this woman sleeping with me" etc.
Apparently they put tracking devices in company cars now so they can see where you are, so probably the Leeds wheeze wouldn't work any more, as for the second part, I used to work on the theory that it was on average probably about 5% or 20/1 but one's got to come in eventually!!!
Back to the subject matter in hand. In order to calculate the degree of Fatbastardness we need to separately work out the level of both elements. By scoring these out of 10 and multiplying the totals together we can work out the FatbastardIndex of any individual. A perfect score would be 100, i.e. 10x10.
So note, that in order to gain a decent score. It is no good being a complete bastard but skinny as a rake. Someone like that might get a 10 out of 10 for being a bastard but only 1 out of 10 for being fat, therefore ending up with a FatbastardIndex of only 10%. Likewise the bloke pictured on the plane above might also only get 10% if he turned out to be a really nice bloke.
I have calculated my own score at 35. This is based on 7 for being Fat and 5 for being a Bastard. I'm an average bastard, but a tad overweight. Bit disappointing really, guess I am just too nice.
So 35 for me, can anyone out there beat that?
NB: If you girlies want to do it, just substitute "Bitch" for "Bastard" and follow the same rules.
Good luck!
If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.
Jason xx
 |
| Sorry Santa, I didn't mean you! |
No - it's neither of those.
It just suddenly came to mind that you often here the phrase "Fat Bastard" bandied about. Well I have anyway. In fact quite often aimed in my direction. Quite unjustifiably of course. Anyway, it is rather an amusing phrase and only slightly offensive. More hardcore swearers will replace the Bastard with another word, and we all know which one to which I refer.
But then it got me thinking. You never hear the phrase "Thin Bastard" or "Fat Nice Bloke". It seems as if being a bastard and being fat are somehow intrinsically linked. Perhaps one leads to the other, but which way around? It's a classic chicken and egg situation.
If you are a complete bastard, can it lead to you getting fat? Well I can think of some scenarios where that might be true i.e. sneaking into the buffet early and eating all the food before anyone gets there is classic bastard behaviour (done that, bought the T-shirt) and clearly the additional calories from the food are going to increase ones waistline. And I was always the kind considerate one who offered to help out with the coffee and biscuits at meetings in Nielsen. This was due to the fact that there was an unwritten commandment there that no matter how many people in the meeting and how many biscuits were to be put on the plate that "There shalt only every be one chocolate one". And let me tell you, that baby had my name on it - every time.
So yes, being a bastard can make you fat. Can being fat make you a bastard? Well if you are sat next to one on an aeroplane taking up half of the seat that you paid for, you might certainly think so.
| Trust me to get sat next to this bloke!!! |
But how does one measure such a thing? Well I have invented for you a new measures of Fatbastardness, which I have unimaginatevely named the FatbastardIndex.
As you know, if you know me well, my head is one mass of numbers and complex calculations going on at all times. Unlike other people who think in more lateral terms when making decisions, i.e. "What is likely to happen if I do/ say/ buy this", the way my mind works is "What is the percentage probability of x occurring". It's been quite useful down the years at calculating all manner of things. For example, "What is the % chance of me getting away with it if I claim I am going to a meeting in Leeds but instead just go home and go to bed", or "Based on the conversation so far in the pub this evening, what is the % chance of this woman sleeping with me" etc.
Apparently they put tracking devices in company cars now so they can see where you are, so probably the Leeds wheeze wouldn't work any more, as for the second part, I used to work on the theory that it was on average probably about 5% or 20/1 but one's got to come in eventually!!!
Back to the subject matter in hand. In order to calculate the degree of Fatbastardness we need to separately work out the level of both elements. By scoring these out of 10 and multiplying the totals together we can work out the FatbastardIndex of any individual. A perfect score would be 100, i.e. 10x10.
So note, that in order to gain a decent score. It is no good being a complete bastard but skinny as a rake. Someone like that might get a 10 out of 10 for being a bastard but only 1 out of 10 for being fat, therefore ending up with a FatbastardIndex of only 10%. Likewise the bloke pictured on the plane above might also only get 10% if he turned out to be a really nice bloke.
I have calculated my own score at 35. This is based on 7 for being Fat and 5 for being a Bastard. I'm an average bastard, but a tad overweight. Bit disappointing really, guess I am just too nice.
So 35 for me, can anyone out there beat that?
NB: If you girlies want to do it, just substitute "Bitch" for "Bastard" and follow the same rules.
Good luck!
If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.
Jason xx
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