Friday, 23 December 2011

Struggling

An odd title to see on a blog post from me - but yes, I am only human. I say what I think and what I feel.

We are all vulnerable, all have bad days, some of us may seem stronger and more stable than others but quite honestly I think we are all quivering emotional blobs of jelly underneath the face we present to the world.
 
Now I am generally a happy and well-rounded character (NB: that was not a reference to the circumference of my waist but if you choose to take it that way and have a little chuckle, then go on, you can have that one for free).

You're all used to me being the solid rock who can do no wrong, super dad and husband, friend in need, etc, but sometimes I'm the one who needs a rock to cling to, but rarely ask.

I had one of my worst days today for some time. Now those of you who know how much work goes into running a house on a daily basis will know that taking even a few hours out leaves you playing catch up on the washing and all the rest of it for days afterwards. At least if you are one of those who takes seriously your responsibility as parent, housewife, and all the rest - which I'm pretty confident everyone who reads this blog does. As I'm pretty sure that the Sun reading, Jeremy Kyle watching, Iceland Prawn Ring eating, Children can't read by the time they leave Primary school etc types are not blog followers.

I met my mother for lunch in Oxford today. This is something that I like to do. Since I have had the children I like to see my family on a more intimate basis, one or two at the time. I have found that large family gatherings are best avoided, particular those that include seldom seen various in-laws and distant family members, I just find such events incredibly uncomfortable, it's been over 20 years since I moved away from that life and I just have nothing to say to these people. My life is here now.

So lunch with Mum, little visits from Dad, these are the ways I like to do things. Now our trip to Oxford didn't go too badly at first, but after Jamie woke up it was constant whingeing and Ollie was quite unbearable, throwing tantrums because we had to go in the lift instead of the escalator (which he loves) and obviously is not practical with the pushchair. He then started doing his whole smeary poo thing where he needs a poo but won't do one but just lets little tiny bits come down so he ends up with an itchy arse and little stains on his pants. So he's shouting out "I've got poo in my pants, Daddy" which whilst maybe acceptable in Primark certainly is not in Marks and Spencer. He also started with that on the train on the way home.

I was stressed beyond belief, he was throwing himself around and I just basically wanted to curl up and die. Can't cope with the stress, got my Dad phoning me, another friend texting me and all just got on top of me. Get home, house a total mess as we've been out all day, so a double whammy. Being away from home means aggro all day and now a shit-tip of a house, no sign of Claire over an hour after leaving work, no message (she explained later so OK), but I had no idea where she was at the time so I did snap at her when she came in, before that I've got the two of them fighting over toys, Ollie being spiteful to Jamie, it's just all too much.

Eventually Claire does come home and I go and bury my head in the sand, which in my case means going up to bed, listening to my chillout tunes and just trying to sleep, but even then I can't as I've got all kinds of stuff swirling around my head and there I am thinking, everyone thinks I'm so great just lately, heaping all this praise on me about what a good friend I am, "a saint" one person said and quite frankly I feel like a nervous wreck.

Anyway, I came down. Claire, bless her, had cleared the place up completely, and made me some tea, watched JTV, had a couple of drinks and now I feel almost my old self again.

If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.

Jason xx

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