Sunday, 25 March 2012

The End Of The Affair

Cruelly taken away from me, without warning...

It's all over, our love shot down in its prime. And I never even got a chance to say goodbye.

Yes, as Rihanna sang "we found love in a hopeless place" - this place being Tesco in town. And in that same place, my feelings of hopelessness and despair grew this week as the slow dawning realisation hit me that I was never to see my beloved Eastmans again.

Gone but not forgotten

I first began to notice something was wrong when I turned up for our usual Wednesday morning rendezvous and she was not there. OK, I thought, she's never let me down before, perhaps there's a plausible explanation. Maybe the lorry that normally brings her was stuck in traffic or broke down. Let's not panic. I waited and waited to no avail but she did not come. All sorts of dark thoughts went through my mind...surely, she could not be giving her love to someone else. How could she even think of ever needing another lover after the sweet ministrations I had given her with my tongue, feeling her melt gently in my mouth, nibbling away at her in a way no man ever had before.

I barely slept a wink that night, but headed back to store the next day, surely there would be an explanation. But no - as I scoured the aisle for her, the hideous realisation dawned - her space on the shelf was no more, occupied instead by a new flavour of Walkers Sensations.

These Sensations, in their slinky sexy packaging were eyeing me up, trying to seduce me into tasting their sweet sweet flavours, but no, even with a body to die for, I could only think about my beloved Eastmans.

As I walked down the aisle, head bowed, my eye was caught by the Tesco Cheese Balls. Now these are identical to Eastmans (made in the same factory), it's just the price that's different, 90p as opposed to 69p. But I'm not willing to pay over 30% more for an identical experience. She'd have to give me some "extras" for that. So I asked her if I could open her packet at the other end - but she refused. So I left empty handed other than with a large box of tissues, which it seemed I'd be needing from now on, in more ways than one.

So what now, for this broken hearted romeo, will I ever taste the sweet cheesy honey again? There is someone else interested in me, but she's got expensive tastes, a foxy little minx called "M&S Cheese Tasters". But I don't know if I could ever keep up with her, she's so classy and she's always got so many sophisticated men swarming round her, what could she want with a small town DJ like me.

Perhaps I could go down to bargain bucket Lidl and pull myself a cheap alternative just to make me feel better, I know it's sordid and I know it's dirty, with your dirty e numbers and your cheap packaging and I'll regret it in the morning, but I'm on the rebound...and I'm vulnerable.

The type of cheap slapper I'll regret going home with.
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Jason xx


  1. Charlie Tinkerbell Smith25 March 2012 at 12:06

    haha this is hilarious...but so true...i feel the same way about reese's peanut butter chocolate cups but tesco only have them as a special treat and they've stopped doin voula vonts what is going on with the world xxx

  2. Everything I like seems to get delisted, it's a conspiracy!

  3. bacon from the cooked meats aisle, there was crispy for him and chunky for me, now we travel to banbury to get our fix, but at least its on offer with 3 packs for £5, thats £10 on bacon a trip, but its worth it,

  4. Mills and Boon with a cheesy (ball) twist

  5. Shall I compare thee to an Eastman's Cheese Ball - thou are more lovely and more temperate...

  6. Ouch... Oh my Jason, this had me in by the end (think I'm a bit twisted). I'm off to Aylesbury, so will look if there's any Eastman's there for my bestie! Hehehe