Well, last night I had the strangest dream...
I found myself in a courtroom, up on a charge. It must have been something to do with writing that letter to the school last night preaching about "Christian Values" triggered off something in my head. The prosecutor, a stern elderly looking gentleman, glowered at me and said:
"Mr Ayres, you come before us, accused of trying to make out to the public you are some sort of Saint. We hereby today try you on the subject of the seven deadly sins. If we find that you guilt of the majority of these sins, you shall be cast into the burning fiery pit for an eternity".
Pretty worrying stuff, this. So on we went. I was allowed to give my defence first, before the prosecution summing up, and then a verdict on each sin. So off we went.
Me: Well, I'm a red-blooded male, and I enjoy a bit of nookie as much as the next man, I mean it's not a crime is it? If there was no sex there would be no children. It's what makes the world go round. Yes, OK, I admit my libido is probably on the high side, but hey, the missus isn't complaining so what's the problem?
Prosecutor: You are obsessed with sex! Isn't it true you once said to your doctor you thought you might be addicted to sex? It's all you ever think about, and I know what you get up to on your own when the wife's out. And that secret drawer in the bedroom? Yes I know about that too. Now would you like me to quote some examples of some of your other past exploits to the court or will you accept a guilty verdict without any further revelations?
Me: I'll accept.
VERDICT: GUILTY. (0-1)
Me: Well, yes, I like my food, but there is no harm in that. Yes, I guess I am a little overweight, but that's expected of a man approaching middle age. And I do try and make an effort - I drink diet coke, and have skimmed milk in my tea, so really can't see an issue here.
Prosecutor: Please can the court view this video of Jason's "midnight feast" that he had last night before he went to bed. As you can see, at least six slices of ham, eaten directly from the fridge, with a pork pie chaser. You will also note the four empty crisp packets on the table and empty Strongbow cans scattered about. Plus I also present exhibit a) a photograph of what Jason calls "The Monster" which he plans to eat for lunch in Nash's today. I also have some video footage of an alleged incident involving some unpasteurised cheese, I must warn you it is not for the faint-hearted. Plus I can also relate the notorious "Double Little Chef" incident of 2002, which will leave you in no doubt.
VERDICT: GUILTY. (0-2)
So - 2-0 down already, not looking good, remember four strikes and I'm out. I shall whizz through what happened with the remainder.
Having failed on the first two I did not fancy my chances here and indeed, after the prosecution had shown footage of my cutting an extra large slice of cake for myself, and deliberately buing a pack of 2 steaks from Tesco with one twice as big as the other, I was doomed. My protestations that men need more calories a day than women so by rights I should have the bigger one fell on deaf ears.
VERDICT: GUILTY. (0-3)
So 3-0 down I would have to win all four remaining sins to survive. I was worried about the next one too.
Played a blinder here. I thought I was all but hung drawn and quartered when the prosecution came up with footage of me having a nice afternoon kip up in my room while the kids were running Claire ragged downstairs. However, I managed to convince that all the other stuff I do running the house, business, looking after the kids etc was enough to cancel this out, so by the skin of my teeth the verdict was:
VERDICT: NOT GUILTY. (1-3)
At last I could relax a little. My gentle, easy going persona, and desire to talk things through with people rather than get angry or seek revenge got me through this one nicely. Things were looking up.
VERDICT: NOT GUILTY. (2-3)
Again things went my way. I am pretty happy with my lot in life, and never feel jealous if someone gets a new car, or earns lots of money or any of that! I'm content with what I have.
VERDICT: NOT GUILTY. (3-3)
So all resting on the last one, which is...
A tricky one this - I argued that pride in some cases is justified - it depends what it is. If you are proud of yourself because you've made lots of money and you are showing off your new Ferrari then I would argue that is bad. However, if you are proud of your two beautiful children then why should that be a sin? After much deliberation, the verdict was:
VERDICT: NOT GUILTY. (4-3)
So - I had turned it around, however the judge had some final words to impart.
"Well Mr Ayres, you have escaped punishment today - just. However I suggest you moderate your behaviour in certain areas in the future, in particular I expect to see significant improvement on the gluttony front. As a recommendation, I suggest you think about losing some weight. And as for the other business, remember that the lord sees everything!!! That should dampen you down a bit! Failing that, cold showers are quite effective.
You may go...
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