Tuesday, 24 April 2012

What are the best apps for brains?

A two part blog entry today.

Firstly, there are many issues that polarise opinion in the world, and factors that make people compatible with one another. Ever since computer dating was invented, people have been trying to matchmake using various criteria. I am sure you have all seen the ads over the years where you get a list of interests you have to tick - reading, holidays, keeping fit, nights out etc. Maybe you have even tried it. But I have come to the conclusion that there is only one test you'll ever need.

People talk about people with Type A and Type B personalities, and countless words have been written on the subject. I myself have spent a good 20 years or more now pondering the issue and indeed wrote an extensive 100,000 word thesis on the subject. However I have condensed this down purely for your benefit into two summary bullet points containing 4 and 5 words each.

So my two basic personality types are:

a) People who like Marmite.
b) People who don't like Marmite.

The only compatibility test you will ever need.

All that research and it boils down to just those 9 simple words. So if you've got your eye on someone, or even thinking of making things a little more official with your current beau, simply ask them - "Do you like Marmite". If you discover your both Type A's or both Type B's go for it! Otherwise best knock it on the head now as it'll never work.

Here is Part Two. I have been contemplating the similarities between our brains and computer hard drives. I did a little search on Google and the answers I came up with suggested that the human brain is around 10 terrabytes. So putting it in context, and thinking about the rate at which computer memory expands, it won't be that long until you are using a laptop with a capacity the size of your brain.

It's hard to compare a human brain with a computer or is it? I thought about the life cycle of a laptop and then the life cycle of a person, and they are quite similar really. Fresh out of the box, a new computer is like a new born child, huge empty memory, with a capacity to soak up huge amounts of information.

Are they really that different?

But then we get older. We have more and more applications on our computer, more and more things to remember in our daily lives. Things start to slow down. On an average day I might have any number of apps running concurrently in my mind, and whilst they may not all be being used absolutely simultaneously, they have to be running in the background so I don't forget. Here's a few of the apps that I might have running either in the foreground or background on a daily basis.

1) Washing app - needs to be continually open to remind me when it's time to put a washload on, put the last lot of dry washing away, and monitoring the machine so I am ready to hang it all up when finished.

2) Shopping app - constantly monitoring stock levels around the house and has to make mental notes every time certain items fall below critical levels e.g. half a loaf, a pint of milk, 4 cans of Strongbow. All of this information has to be stored until visiting the shops when the smart part of the app helps me seek out the best deals for my money.

3) Nappy app. Includes a smell detector, and also a bulge monitor to identify the optimum moment for a change, i.e. when wet but before capacity reached i.e. wet clothes.

4) Clock app - constantly being updated throughout the day with all the ad-hoc things that need to be done, appointments to be kept, etc etc. Also includes a longer term calendar app looking at the week and month ahead.

5) Work app - keeping on top of all the business details, dealing with queries from clients, planning playlists, keeping on top of paperwork.

6) Cleaning app - constantly on the lookout for mess and problems that need sorting, on top of the regular scheduled tasks.

7) Cooking app, constantly trying to ensure that everyone gets fed, not long is one meal completed when already the next one is being planned. Works in conjunction with the Shopping app.

8) Sex app - not one I have any control of, it just "pops up", reminding me that I want some, must have been installed by a virus as I don't seem to be able to get rid of it!

9) Stress app - designed to maximise usage of the hard drive and prevent the computer from suffering any damage. Mine does not seem to work very well, perhaps I need an upgrade.

So with all these apps running, and more, the processor in my brain is under constant pressure.  With a hard drive that's almost full of essential information (history of pop music, complete and detailed information of every episode of Doctor Who ever made that sort of thing), the whole thing is struggling somewhat, and it seems frequently these days everything freezes up and I am stood staring blankly and unresponsively into space with a little hourglass going round and round in my mind. Bestie is also suffering the same problems, and even has a theory that with every caesarean section she had, a small part of her hard drive was also removed by rogue doctors who probably supplemented their incomes as undergraduates with a few stints ripping people off at PC world. So if you see any pieces of Lynda's brain on eBay please let us know so we can buy them back.

Anyway I must dash, my cooking app is flashing and telling me it's time to put the spaghetti on!

If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please take a look at my books on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle), where you can read lots more of the same! Click here.

Jason xx

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