Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Supermarket, Pub and TV shake up announced after new Government survey findings

Today I can make a major revelation.

Since leaving Nielsen 6 and a half years ago, I have been living a double life. You see, all that time at the probation office and DJ'ing has in fact all been a front. I was in fact not made redundant by Nielsen at all - but in fact, identifed by the Government as Britain's leading market researcher. I was headhunted for a major research project.

There I was walking up to McDonalds on Headington roundabout one winters day, with a view to popping into the bookies afterwards, when a large black limo drew up alongside and a dark voice uttered "Get in". I was driven to a top secret Government HQ where they revealed that they needed a brilliant researcher to find out what really makes the country tick, what was wrong with things, and how could it be fixed. They commissioned me there on the spot to carry out a 2 year study and report back my findings, all expenses paid. They even reimbursed me for a a winner I missed in the 12:50 at Chepstow and arranged a generous redundancy package from Nielsen. Nice people altogether really. I did wonder why they had chosen me, and found it rather odd that throughout the meeting they referred to me as "Mr Snelling" however I assumed this was down to an administrative error.

I was 3 hours late back from lunch but nobody noticed.

As you can see, over 6 years has now passed, unfortunately the survey did overrun somewhat. I had a few lie-ins and went down the pub a fair bit, however this was purely in the interests of research. After all, what greater source of knowledge and advice for putting the world to rights is there than the ubiquitous "Man In The Pub". I also went somewhat over budget, having many holidays in the period, however this was also justifiable in order to observe how the great British public spends its leisure time.

So here, today, just before the full report is issued to the press, I am delighted to present here, in my blog, exclusively for you my readers, some of the key findings and recommendations from my survey.

TV COMPANIES

Get rid of all the reality shows, particular talent things where people phone in and vote. No-one likes them really, they just pretend to because of peer pressure, and manipulation from the tabloid newspapers. All soaps must also be axed, with the exception of Neighbours which must go back to BBC1 with immediate effect. Also, bring back Brookside. All the other crap can go, including all them stupid shows on BBC1 like Bargain Hunt. Also Jeremy Kyle is to be deported with immediate effect as is everybody who watches his show. My findings also show that Doctor Who is the best programme in the world, and with immediate effect is to be made and shown every night of the week. If you run out of episodes just show a few old Tom Baker 4 parters or make a bit more Torchwood.

PUB LANDLORDS

Get rid of all the jukeboxes and live bands and have karaoke every night. Now that the TV Companies have got rid of all the talent shows, everyone will go to the pub instead to show off their talents. You'll be packed evey night and the top karaoke jocks (now recognised as the hugely talented indivduals that they are and having gained celebrity status) will command huge fees for their services e.g. £5k per night. Also ALL pubs must sell Strongbow by law, and any that don't must close with immediate effect. Also food after any match e.g. pool, aunt sally, must by law include a selection of sausages.

SUPERMARKETS

In order to encourage sales, a number of popular lines are to be subject to a Government subsidy of up to 90% to stimulate sales. At present the departments this refers to are biscuits, cakes, crisps and snacks, chilled cooked meats, pastries, pies, diet coke and all dairy. This also includes nappies, but only until 2015, when they can go back up. In order to pay for this, the following departments will double in price. Fruit, vegetables, female toiletries, peanuts, indian ready meals, all Iceland Own Label products and instant mashed potato.

ARSENAL

Stop selling all of our best players!

End of Part One
To be continued...maybe...

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Jason x x


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