Sunday, 20 November 2011

Out of the gloom...

...emerged my increasingly battled old Mondeo, back into Bicester after a rather testing journey back from Magnolia Park golf club on Otmoor.

It's been a testing day (and week all told really). Mostly down to the kids who occupy increasing amounts of my time, some through choice (nice things like reading with Ollie and playing football with Jamie) and some through necessity. However you know things have got out of control, when you reach the stage on a Saturday morning when you are doing the washing after another "incident" and are sitting in front of the machine in despair watching a large turd going round and round.

I am not going to go into how things got into that state, I'll return to my journey home and see where the blog goes from there.

When the fog descends on that moor, it really does come down. Around this time of year each year I always get at least one horrendous journey back in the middle of the night. Last year's was memorably on that last Friday before Christmas, the night before the huge snowfall that memorable weekend., Passing Fringford it was -12c that night on the car thermometer.

Tonight's do was a 40th, disco and karaoke and it quickly became clear that karaoke was the main interest for the guests, they weren't a dancing crowd, and there were only around 40 guests. They certainly enjoyed their karaoke though, even if the standard was not that which one has come to expect from the regular Sunday crew. Had trouble getting away though - there were plenty of the "one more song" brigade. I accomodated them up to a point, but you have to draw the line somewhere, so I switched off about 15 mins after time. My experience of the "one more song" brigade is that the more you give in to them the less they will respect you and if the thanks you get for an extra half hour is just increased abuse then you've gained nothing.

The people were nice enough, however they did not offer me any of the buffet. Which was disappointing, but clearly this was one time when the poor old DJ's needs weren't taken into account. A shame really as there was loads left over. I've always prided myself on not helping myself if not asked, however I am thinking of relaxing that rule. In fact OK, I will admit I did sneak a quick sausage roll on the way back from the toilet when no one was looking. Altogether an OK night, I wouldn't mind working there again, hopefully with a crowd a little more on my wavelength - so thanks to Duncan who got me the gig.

I think someone should start a new website called "review the audience". We are all used to reading reviews of performers, products, hotels, holiday venues etc on various websites, now my new idea turns it on its head. Instead the organiser/ owner reviews the customers. Here's some examples.

Hotels: "I am most unimpressed by the standard of guests staying in my hotel. They leave everything in a mess, rubbish everywhere, skiddies in the toilets, and even worse on the sheets. Then they moan in the bar because a pint's 4 quid. Well screw you this isn't some cheap B&B in Bognor you know, I expect a better class of customer in future please!

Supermarket: "Who do these customers think they are? They come in here, rummage around in all the packets of ham, messing up all the ones at the front which should be sold first that have a date of Nov 24 on them in order to get to the ones with Dec 1 at the back. Then complain because the till didn't take their BOGOF off, don't they know that offer finished yesterday, it's written quite clearly in 1mm high font on the label. And then they have the cheek to ask for more plastic bags because we hoard them jealously these days. Get your act together customers, buy all of our "finest" items with the highest margins, don't go to other shops and buy what we tell you to buy.


TV Station: "Stop moaning that TV is all shit these days. It's your bloody fault. Don't you know it's all about ratings? You moan that there's no decent quality stuff on but while you all sit there in your millions watching the utter shite we trundle out week in week out year in year out what can you expect? If we put anything decent or high brow on you lot are all too thick to understand it, so no-one watches it and we can't sell any advertising. Not only that but the Sun aren't interested in basing the entire contents of their comic about it, so you won't even be aware of its existence anyway. If you are that bothered piss off and watch BBC4, I think they would welcome the odd viewer or two. Meanwhile, next on ITV1, it's...



Greek taverna: "I can hear you tutting and moaning in the corner, Greece isn't what it used to be, look it's all served with chips these days, there's no traditional Greek dishes, etc. Well what do you bloody expect? I've had 25 years of English tourists moaning that there's no chips or turning their noses up when they find out what calamari is. You play to your audience, so here you go, Full English All Day breakfast and a pint of lager, that'll be 18 euros. What's that - I remember the days when a beer was only 50p abroad? Yes so do I - that's when you paid in drachma. Never mind you will again soon...