My attempts to write on this holiday have been seriously hampered by a couple of problems. Firstly that my bluetooth keyboard, so handy in Fuerteventura absolutely refuses to work, leaving me to type on the touchscreen which I hate and secondly the wifi here at Butlins is highly unreliable. At least in the room anyway. You get 15 mins a day free, after that it is 7 quid a day, which I would consider if it was fast and reliable but it drops out all the time so I won't pay it. And the 3g signal here is even worse than usual, my phone has accessed it extremely sporadically. It took about 8 hours on Tuesday to upload that picture I took of Ollie bowling.
There is no point me rabbitting on about what a holiday at Butlins is like as you have heard it all before, so I will focus on something new. Today I am afraid you all missed an extremely rare opportunity to see me make an absolute laughing stock in public. This completely unplanned and unscripted debut of mine into the world of acting saw me thrust briefly into the limelight and a few minutes of fame in front of an audience of hundreds.
Ironic is it not, that I suffer daily as a struggling writer, desperately hoping for my big break that will catapult me into a J.K.Rowling world of literary fame, yet on yet another day of zero book sales, a brief moment of fame of a different kind was thrust upon me.
We had gone to see once again the I Can Cook show from Cbeebies. No Katy Ashworth this year, she is about to have her own little Beebie so we had the lovely Julie instead. Once again by a combination of charm and a few cunningly choreographed crocodile tears, Ollie managed to get himself up on stage. As before there was a little interview stage and this time he was asked who was the best cook in his house. Of course, he said "Daddy". So I jumped up and rather over-enthusiastically cheered. This did not go unnoticed by Julie. Strangely enough, nearly all the other kids said Daddy too. Each time I cheered and thrust my arms in the air. What I did not realise at the time was that I was singling myself out for later attention.
Once all the cooking was done there was a story time which was Goldilocks. Again volunteers were required and 3 kids were selected to be Daddy, Mummy and baby bear. Then they decided they needed a Goldilocks, a role which I assumed would be given to some 7 year old girl. Wrong, suddenly the spotlight was on me and I was thrust up on to stage. I was required to wear a blonde wig and a girlie apron. The script was more panto than story time and clearly designed to humiliate whichever poor sod was given the role e.g. I was required to skip merrily through the forest which I did in the most camp way I possibly could. John Inman in his panto heyday would have been impressed. I decided to enter fully into the spirit of things and camp it up to maximum effect. This included speaking in a falsetto voice and deliberately putting emphasis on certain words to entertain the mums and dads e.g. when asked about Daddy Bear's chair I answered, "Ooh it's too HARD". Brilliant, it brought the house down. Anyone there who didn't know me and that was everyone would have been convinced I was gay. But only a rugged alpha male heterosexual comfortable with their own sexuality such as myself could have pulled it off.
Although the whole event was filmed, only by Butlins, Claire fortunately wasn't there so it is unlikely this footage will ever see the light of day unless by some miracle I do hit it big and it finds its way on to one of those before they were famous type shows. So sadly dear readers, you will have to just imagine the scenes. Though I have now got it into my head that I might have a future as a pantomime queen. I rather enjoyed it I must say.
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