R.I.P. Little Chef

The end is nigh(?)

I've just got back from another fun packed day out with the kids - Zoomania, Morrisons and McDonalds. For once, they really behaved and played well, and absolutely loved going on all the frames and down the big slide at Zoomania, with no whingeing at all. And they didn't even complain when I said it was time to go. Perhaps finally we are getting somewhere, or maybe we just got lucky this time.

It has to be said that McDonalds in Aylesbury has the worst designed car park I have ever encountered. Absolutely ludicrous and I am amazed there are not major road rage incidents there on a a regular basis. Who knows, maybe there are. And on the subject of roads, why are we spending billions on this HS2 nonsense, when major roads such as the A41 are in the terrible state they are. This road is literally crumbling, it is littered with potholes all the way back to Bicester.

I am sure that the roads were not in this state back in the hey day of my career, when I traversed roads the length and breadth of Britain, fulfilling the market research needs of everyone from Brewers to Bog Cleaner makers. I had cause to think back to these days today, because I read in the press that it seems Little Chef may finally have reached the end of the road.

There have been a number of stays of execution over the years. Since going into administration a few years ago the number of outlets has fallen to less than 100 (there were 200+ at one point) but it has managed to survive. This time it seems that the axe may finally fall on the brand forever. It seems they are to be sold off, and companies such as McDonalds and Costa Coffee may be in the offing to take over and convert them to their own brands. This does not please me, in fact I think I would feel quite heartbroken to drive past what was a Little Chef and see the name Costa Coffee over the building.

Whenever I hear the name Little Chef I still feel a small frisson of excitement. They've been with me for a long time. Our love affair goes right back to 1988 when I worked in the one on the bypass near where I lived. That's where I first encountered their amazing breakfasts, serving them, and eating them. We got a meal allowance and that was enough for a nice fry up on an 8 hour shift.

Fast forward a few years to when I was out in my company car, and the Little Chef became my friend on the open road, his portly frame welcoming me in on the way to and from boring meetings and presentations at clients. I was helped in this by my colleague "Pagey" who was also a fan. Apparently it lined the stomach for what was to come - which if visiting a brewer would be quite a lot with Pagey in tow, often requiring an overnight stop. Now Pagey had his own little routine for when we went to the Little Chef. He would make a great show of consulting the menu in great detail, umming and aahing in front of the waitress, before declaring, "I think I'll go for the Olympic Breakfast". He always ordered this, without fail, so quite why he ever went through this rigmorale with the menu was a mystery to me.

I was more of a fan of the Early Starter at that time, but soon sensed the extra value in the Olympic and became a convert. During the mid to late 90s my time on the road had reached a peak and I was travelling everywhere, I pretty much could map the British Isles by the Little Chefs and had dreams of driving round and visiting every one in a giant dot-to-dot.

The reason I was out on the road so much at that time was that I had come up with an ingenious scam at work to make it look like I was working ridiculously long and dedicated hours, whereas in fact the absolute reverse was the truth. I had worked out that for any client more than two hours drive away I could pretty much justify being out of the office for the entire day, provided I could make out that the meeting was around 3 hours long. I had also a golden opportunity for a year or so to take massive advantage of the new-fangled email and internet revolution to make it look like I was where I wasn't.

It's always very useful to keep the IT department on your side, I find, and I had a mate down there who hooked me up with an early dial up account so I could basically access my work email from outside the office. This was well before it became generally available, and luckily with a manager at the time who wasn't that clued up on these things. So a good day's scam would go something like this. I would arrange a meeting with a client a good couple of hours away. I would always arrange this for around 11am, so I would have to leave home about 9am to get there. However thanks to my external email, I was able to convince people I had actually been in the office early preparing for the meeting like the highly dedicated soul that I in fact wasn't. In fact I would have got up about 8, made myself a cup of tea, have a flick through the Racing Post and then dial up the office about 8:15am (no-one ever got in before half eight) and send a casual email to a few people in the team along the lines of "Got everything I need for the meeting, just about to leave, just to remind you the quarterly reports need to be finished by today", and then finish my cup of tea, have a bit of breakfast and watch a bit of telly and then hit the road about 9am.

A nice drive to the client listening to Simon Mayo on Radio One, then a meeting which I could usually wrap up within the hour and then I could cruise back and head for a favourite Little Chef for a leisurely lunch before cruising home. I could be in bed having a kip by half three. Then I'd have a bit of tea, switch the laptop on, write a few meeting notes and then dial up the office and send them in about 8pm, along with some plausible bullshit to make it sound as if I had come into the office late after being stuck in traffic to write up my meeting notes. Bravo! Looks like I've done a 12 hour day when in fact it was about 1. As soon as I had hit send on the computer it was off to the pub for a not well earned few pints.

Obviously this scam got rumbled eventually but I got a good year out of it. It also reminds me of the time I pulled off one my all time Top 10 gluttonous stunts.

We were allowed up to £7.50 for our lunch allowance, but you only got back what you spent. So you could not pocket the change if you only spent £3. It made sense therefore to get as close to the £7.50 as possible without going over, a bit like the showcase showdown on "The Price Is Right". Fortunately the breakfast and drink combo I liked at the Little Chef came to exactly £7.49 which was perfect.

One sunny day I was cruising back from a meeting at the Brewers, Hall & Woodhouse in Dorset, when I decided to stop in at a Little Chef as usual. However, on this particular day, I had a rather unpleasant experience when half way through my lunch I picked up my glass of Coke and was horrified to discover it crawling with ants. I summoned the manager who couldn't apologise enough, in fact so much, she let me have my entire meal for free. Now this was great, but I didn't like the idea of my company benefiting from this rather than me, and it played on my mind as I drove along the A30. Twenty miles down the road, the next Little Chef hove into view and I knew what I must do. Half an hour from my previous meal I pulled in and had exactly the same again (without the ants). I came away feeling somewhat bloated but with a nice £7.49 receipt in my pocket to claim back on expenses.

Ah, happy memories, I shall miss you Little Chef when you go, but I will be back to say farewell, you can be sure of that.

Jason xx

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