Monday, 8 February 2016

Action Man!

Well, blog fans, you find me this evening in lovely Fuerteventura, enjoying a well earned two week break in the sun. Well deserved? A phrase you hear bandied about a lot, but in this case I feel justified. It's two years since our last visit and in that time I've written and published four novels! No mean feat, and a tiring one. So a couple of weeks rest and recreation is long overdue.

Not that I am being idle, no not me. Those of you who know me well might be labouring under the entirely false impression that I am spending this entire holiday lazing around by the pool, stirring only to waddle to one of the many English bars serving all day breakfasts (with real English Bacon), the bar for another beer, or down town for a massive mixed grill (hold the Canarian potatoes, please, I'm British so that'll be chips if you please).

Nothing could be further from the truth. When on holiday I spring into action, casting off my winter sloth from my ample frame and immersing myself into every activity going. That's not just Johnny Vegas style win the quiz at all costs behaviour as featured in Benidorm, but things that actually require some degree of sporting prowess.

And so it was, that I found myself proudly up on stage this evening receiving my winner's certificate to the tune of "We are the Champions" for my spectacular victory in today's main event, the darts competition.

I've never actually been that good at darts. It wasn't something I did that much of in the pub when I was younger. In those days I was primarily there in an attempt to meet women who I might be able to persuade to have sex with me at some point and darts in the White Horse didn't really cut much ice in the pulling stakes.

However, friends over the years have always tried to get me to join teams with compliments along the lines of "You've got the perfect physique for a darts player". That's very nice I think and shows what supportive friends I have. In fact it was the very same ones who encouraged me in my DJ'ng career when telling me "You've got the perfect face for radio". So anyway, when the opportunity came up today to join in the darts competition, I was all for it. I literally leapt out of the pool, cutting short my 1 length swim and headed for the darts area.

It was Killer darts that was being played, the one where you have to get a higher score than the person before you to not lose a life. There were about 12 people playing of various ages and abilities and I guess it would be unfair of me not to mention that I got a favourable draw. All the fat middle aged Jocky Wilson lookalikes (other than myself)were all in the other half of the draw. The three people immediately before me were a 7 year old girl who didn't speak any English, an 87 year old grandma with only one eye and a Scottish man with a white beard and a wooden leg who'd been on the San Miguel since the bar opened six hours earlier. By hook or by crook (which was no help in his case) somehow I managed to end up the winner. And having just been swimming, I didn't even have my contact lens in my left eye so I was as handicapped as the granny.

I was a bit knackered afterwards so I went for a bit of a siesta before we went out for our tea, but I am definitely getting the hang of this sporting lark. Iam going to up my game tomorrow and try my hand at something really physical. Like pool or table tennis. I tell ya, you won't recognise me when I get back. Who's this lean, mean fighting machine they'll say in the White Hart. Possibly. 

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