Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Does what it says on the tin

Ronseal - does what it says on the tin.

Fair enough - if they say so. It's unlikely I'll ever have the opportunity to find out. I am ashamed to admit I am absolutely woeful when it comes to any sort of DIY/ gardening/ decorating type work - delete as appropriate.

And apparently, this is bad news for a male. Some report I read on the internet the other day - can't remember where exactly, but it was a newspaper report posted to Facebook, suggests that women are more likely to be attracted to a male who is "good with his hands". Some sort of primeval instinct or something, apparently.

This may go some way towards explaining a) the disgraceful state my starter home was in when I sold it, eight years after moving in and b) my general lack of success with women during that era of my twenties when I was supposedly in my prime.

Fortunately things picked up on the latter front once the new Millennium dawned, as you can see from the picture at the top of the blog, I've done it at least twice since then! However, my DIY skills remain poor. Perhaps renting is the best long term option for me. At least if anything then goes wrong, you can call the landlord.

Speaking of things that do what they say on the tin, or not in this case, I have a friend I race with frequently on GT6 who hails from down under who rather disparagingly refers to us Brits as "Yellow Teeth". He's got a point, I suppose. It's fair to say that the average person you meet in this country is unlikely to have teeth straight off the set of Neighbours in the unlikely event that they greet you with a cheery smile.

Which is strange when you think about it, because Whitening Toothpaste is all the rage on the toothpaste fixtures in the supermarkets these days:

"See the difference in 2 weeks"
"Removes stubborn tobacco, red wine and coffee stains"
"Contains active oxygen bubbles"
"Clinically proven"
"Guaranteed to get you a shag off a real hottie within a month"
"Become a film star, X factor winner, supermodel or some other bullshit if you spend £3 on this".

OK I made the last two up but you get the drift.


Anyway, I have fallen for the advertisers dream and been buying this garbage for the past year and when I look in the mirror I still see the same yellow gnashers looking back at me. Which leads me to conclude that Whitening Toothpaste is about as likely to whiten your teeth as Red Bull is to give you wings. Which the advertising standards people recently concluded that it didn't.

So to sum up, I can't do DIY and I've got crap teeth. Good job I'm not single, isn't it, I'd never pull again.

Jason Ayres has just released his latest novel, Global Cooling. You can find it on Amazon by clicking here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Global-Cooling-Time-Bubble-Book-ebook/dp/B00OTTETV4/

Also available from Jason Ayres:

The Time Bubble
The Sausage Man
Austerity Dad
Fortysomething Father

No comments:

Post a Comment