Those of you that have been following me for a long time will be aware that I have developed a number of comedy characters, all ready for the sketch show I am going to get commissioned when I become famous.
All of these are based in some degree on parodies of myself. There's Bloaticus, the genetic throwback to Roman times, gorging himself on chicken bones in Nando's and throwing the bones about. And Serial Drama Sid, popping up at completely inappropriate moments in Downton Abbey, such as telling Sybil to be quiet whilst she's screaming in childbirth because he's trying to watch the 3:30 at Ascot. To name but two.
And today, I am delighted to introduce to you my brand new character, "Doctor Greed". I've already got a crime fighting superhero, "Captain Chubbchaser" (who doesn't actually fight crime, just tries to get off with large women), so I thought it was about time I introduced a supervillain.
Doctor Greed is an amalgam of lots of traits of other supervillains of the past. He's got the scheming of Doctor Evil from Austin Powers, the evil charm of The Master from Doctor Who (original Roger Delgado version) and the mad scientist persona of Doc Brown from Back To The Future.
Rather than grandiose schemes to take over the world, Doctor Greed is obsessed entirely with finding ways to satisfy his own selfish and greedy whims. These vary from everyday small little scams to ever more elaborate plots.
He has powers of hypnosis that can be used in the following way. I mentioned The Master - well he used to hypnotise people by saying "I am the Master - and you will obey me". Doctor Greed has similar hypnotic powers which he uses to his own ends. For example, in a Little Chef when ordering the Olympic Breakfast, Doctor Greed may decide when looking at the picture on the menu that two sausages is insufficient for his needs. He will therefore use his hypnotic charm on the waitress to say something like..."I am Doctor Greed - and you WILL give me six sausages!" Unsurprisingly, Doctor Greed is rather fat.
That's a small example, but Doctor Greed has some far more elaborate plans in the pipeline. On one occasion when going to a party, he creates a special gas in his laboratory to turn events to his advantage. His plan is to release this special "Veggie Gas" into the air at the party just before the mother-in-law starts taking the cling film off the buffet. It has the effect of rendering everyone in the room (other than himself as he has the antidote) into a vegetarian on the spot. As they fight over the diminishing bowls of salad, the way is clear for Doctor Greed to hoover up as many sausages on sticks, slices of ham, pork pies (cut into quarters) and sausage rolls as he wants!
Doctor Greed's schemes don't just extend to food, he is sex mad as well. Being somewhat fat and unfit he doesn't exactly get women falling at his feet so in his most evil scheme yet he plans to poison the country's water supply with a secret formula he has created in his laboratory. This subtle blend of various female hormones has a dual effect. Firstly it turns every woman that drinks it into a raving nymphomaniac. Secondly it turns every man who drinks it gay. His plan is to become the only heterosexual male left in a world full of sex-crazed women and to indulge himself accordingly.
Those are just a few initial ideas, I am sure I shall think of some more. But in the meantime beware of Doctor Greed! He's after your food and your wife!!!
Jason's third book, an hilarious account of his adventures in the world of sausages, is now available. Click here for more details: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Sausage-Man-Britains-Official-ebook/dp/B00IF4LB8S