Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Diet Sex Club

It seems I can't open a newspaper these days without finding yet another article about how bad sugar is. Yes, it seems that sugar is this year's public enemy number one.

We just can't be left alone to enjoy our lives can we? It seems to be one thing after another. One minute we're a nation of binge drinkers. Next salt is the silent killer, oh and keep off the coffee too. Then the focus is on fats - good fats, bad fats, let's confuse the hell out of everyone. Now it's sugar - and great the paper is telling me there's 5 teaspoons of sugar in every banana - one of the few "healthy" things my children enthusiastically ask for. Thanks for ruining that for me. Then there's 23 spoons of sugar in a can of drink and 86 in a chocolate bar. OK I'm exaggerating now, but even so the amounts quoted seem ridiculous on some of the things.

Does all this scaremongering do people any good? None whatsoever - all it does is confuse and annoy them and give the naughty foods a taboo value to make people crave them even more. Sugar, salt, fat and booze aren't the enemy. It's excessive consumption of calories overall and not enough exercise that causes the problem. Yet every week there's a new magic diet, eat this, eat that, that people believe will wave away their problems with a magic wand and make them slim and happy again.

When oh when will everyone realise that all that is needed is one simple sum:

Calories consumed > Calories burnt = you gain weight.
Calories consumed < Calories burnt = you lose weight.

And you can then chuck all the diet books and other bullshit out of the window.

It's only humans that seem to have this problem. You don't see lots of animals walking around in nature with great big beer guts and their arses hanging out of their trousers. Or bumble bees struggling to take off the ground because they gorged themeselves to obesity on nectar. They have learned to regulate their body weight. They wouldn't last long if they didn't.

How do they burn off their excess calories, well they have a lot of sex. Animals, insects and plants have complete freedom to do it whenever they want with whoever they want. You only have to watch the average Attenbrough documentary to see that. Or sit in the garden on a summer's day and you'll see all sorts going on - there's bound to be a couple of butterflies or something having it off in mid-air.

But what about us? Well it's a very topsy turvy world. We humans as the dominant species, have by and large done away with the problems faced by all other species in nature, e.g. being murdered callously and eaten by something bigger than us. We also don't have to spend most of our lives foraging for food or building shelters or feeding a queen or all the other things every other species has to do. We have freedom of will - we can go to the pub, read a book, in short, we have freed ourselves to do whatever we want. Except when it comes to sex. We've either too tired, too bored, too prudish, too shy, too unattractive to the opposite sex (or think we are due to hang ups about being too fat - that'll be the sugar again), or too bound by a set of rules that says "you can't do that" or "that's wrong" and so on and so forth. I'm sure there are some people out there enjoying rich and fulfilling and uninhibited sex lives, but I imagine the majority are crashed out in front of the telly eating biscuits and crisps, and getting fat. Meanwhile out in the garden the birds and the bees are getting it on in a free for all which makes the average dogging night at Stoke Woods look like a respectable tea party.

So if you want more sugar and all of the rest of it - remember my magic formula. Want an extra Mars Bar above your recommend calorie intake? Then have some sex too. No-one to have it with? Find some like-minded people.

How about a new club a bit like weight-watchers or slimming world but for broad-minded people where at the weekly weigh-in anyone who has put on weight has to have sex with someone else who has also put on weight? It beats your standard diet club or dating website any day. I think I should start this up as a business, reckon I'll make a fortune. I wonder if they'd let me hold the meetings at the Methodist Hall?

Yes - come and join the Diet Sex club - I'm taking bookings now.

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