Monday, 14 July 2014

The Monday Sketch Part 2: The BBC Interview

Recap: Jason has been invited to the BBC to pitch his programme ideas. He's just arrived and been shown into the meeting room where Geoff is waiting...

Jason: Good evening!

Geoff: Good evening? It's 11am!

Jason: Ah, sorry about that - I thought I'd come in character, you see. I was playing the role of one of my favourite characters, Lord Bicester. He always greets people by saying that, morning, noon and night.

Geoff: Hilarious, I'm sure. Perhaps it'll grow on me. Would you care for some coffee and biscuits?

Jason: Have you got any sausages? Pork Pies, anything like that? It's nearly lunchtime after all. Can you organise a buffet?

Geoff: I beg your pardon?

Jason: I was told you could have anything you wanted in the BBC? Sorry, I was in character again. That was Bloaticus. He eats a lot. I am actually a bit hungry though. Had a few beers last night, need to soak it up a bit. You know how it is.

Geoff: I don't actually. I tend to keep my drinking to the weekends. Don't you?

Jason: Oh no, I'm the opposite. I tend to drink Sunday to Thursday. Then I can have all my hangovers at work. Don't want to mess my weekends up feeling rough all day. It was a habit I got into when I was at Nielsen's. Only way of getting through the week.

Geoff: Is this another character?

Jason: Erm, no, that was me this time. Never mind, these biscuits will do for now. Is it OK if I have the chocolate one?

Geoff: Be my guest.

(The door opens and Phil comes in).

Geoff: Ah, this is Phil, he's recently joined us from BBC3. I think you've spoken to him on the phone.

Jason: Alright, mate. How's it hanging?

Geoff: Jason's been introducing me to some of his characters. Perhaps this is another one.

Phil: Hello, Jason. I've been going over your CV and I've got a few questions to ask you.

Jason: Fire away.

Phil: Now, it says here that you were a superstar DJ from 2006 - 2013. You've written underneath that you were big in Ibiza in 2011. Can you tell us more about that?

Jason: Oh, yeah, I was in San Antonio for the summer. Fucking awesome, mate. You should have been there.

Phil: Where exactly were you based?

Jason: This really banging place called The Sirenis.

Phil: I don't think I've heard of that one. I've heard of Es Paradis and Pacha but not the Sirenis.

Jason: It's very exclusive.

Geoff: I'll look it up on the internet. (consults iPad).

Jason: Oh you don't want to do that.

Phil: Now then, what's this you've put down here for the period 2005-2006? You've put down "Creative accounting" and the telephone number of an office in Headington. But when I rang the number earlier it turned out to be a Ladbrokes.

Jason: Oh well, you know what it's like. Places are changing hands all the time. Bloody betting shops are springing up everywhere these days. I blame the roulette machines.

Phil: Perhaps we'd better talk about some of your characters. Let's have a look. Now what's this one, "Serial Drama Sid"?

Jason: Oh he's brilliant, one of my favourites. He invades TV programmes with inappropriate behaviour. Usually Downton Abbey, because there's so much material there. Take that scene where Lady Edith's confiding in her aunt that she's pregnant. Well Serial Drama Sid would come barging in, common as muck and come out with something like "Ey oop, Edie, what's all this about that bloke off the newspaper getting you up the duff? Better hope Lord Grantham doesn't find out. Oh, hello Lord Grantham, didn't see you standing there!

Phil: We don't make Downton Abbey. That's ITV.

Jason: Doesn't have to be Downton Abbey. Any old costume drama crap will do. There is loads of it on Sunday nights.

Geoff (annoyed): I was head of costume drama for eight years until I became chief commissioning editor.

Jason: Bet you wish you had me then, I could have livened it up a bit for you!

Geoff: Well, leaving that for a moment, I've looked up the Sirenis and it doesn't seem to be a club. It seems to be an all-inclusive Thomas Cook hotel.

Jason: I never said it was a club. And I was very big there.

Geoff: In what capacity?

Jason: In the restaurant, actually. Have you ever been to Butlins?

Geoff: It's not really my sort of thing. My wife and I prefer Center Parcs.

Jason: Well anyway, it was like that, all you can eat and 3 times a day. You should have seen the breakfasts! I used to have eight rashers of bacon and eight sausages a day, just for starters. I was very big. Put on two stone while I was there. All in the interests of research of course. I was developing my Bloaticus character.

Geoff: Yes, getting back to the characters, what else have you got?

Jason: Oh loads. What about Captain Chubbchaser?

Phil: What's that?

Jason: Well he's a kind of superhero who is meant to go around solving crimes but spends most of his time drinking cider and trying to shag fat women.

Geoff: We can't possibly use that in this day and age. It's completely politically incorrect. Even Channel 4 wouldn't touch it.

Jason: But that's what people want now - they are sick of all the political correctness. They secretly miss Benny Hill but daren't admit it.

Geoff: What else?

Jason: Gerald Mincen?

Geoff: What does he do?

Jason: Well, he's this straight bloke who everyone thinks is gay, leading to lots of hilarious misunderstandings. Plus he loves crisps and has even formed his own crisp eating society.

Geoff: No, no, no.

Phil: Why don't you tell us about some of your cookery ideas?

Jason: Oh, yes, now you'll love these. Get this - you know my best-selling book, "The Sausage Man?"

Geoff: It doesn't rings any bells.

Jason: Well, you're a busy man. Basically, it's a bit like a cross between Palin, Pilkington and Man vs Food where I go around the world and eat a sausage in every country.

Geoff: I'm not sure if our audiences would go for that.

Jason: Well Love Pork did. They invited me to be their chief sausage taster on the strength of that.

Geoff: Anything else?

Jason: Well, there's Kebabylon. You'll love this. What I do is travel around Britain getting pissed in a different town in each episode. Then I go and check out all the local kebab shops. It's a winner.

Geoff: We are a public service broadcaster, we can't be seen to promoting binge drinking and eating junk food.

Jason: But it's entertaining! And I'll have you know, Channel 4 are very interested in that one. Well I think they are, I'm still waiting for a reply, but it's probably in the post. We could always tone it down a bit. I could ask them to put lots of salad on top of the kebabs. We can always take it off again once the cameras stop rolling. I always have my Doner without salad as you get more meat that way. And I can always order a Diet Coke in the pub if that looks better. The cameraman can have it, because he'll probably be driving anyway.

Geoff: I think we've heard enough, Phil, don't you?

Phil: I think so.

Jason: Brilliant! So when do I sign the contract.

Geoff: We'll let you know...


The End.

Jason Ayres is the author of three humorous non-fiction diaries and the time travel novel "The Time Bubble", available now from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Time-Bubble-Jason-Ayres-ebook/dp/B00L3K1B8G/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_1




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