In our country we have a thriving range of burger chains, pizza chains, kebab shops, chicken joints and countless more. Yet all we ever hear are constant warnings and advice telling us to avoid these things, that Britain is getting too fat, and that we should all be grazing on salad and vegetables. Every time I open a newspaper it is the same old advice, re-packaged over and over again. Recommendations to only eat processed meat such as sausages, salami etc, once a week and then you are only allowed one slice. Any more than that and you're almost certainly to die a grisly death by the end of the month.
A search of books on the subject generally reveals similar results - there seem to be hundreds of books out there telling us how to eat more healthily and lose weight.
Yet obviously none of this advice is working or is being ignored as the nation's waistlines are still increasing. I think the Government and all the rest of the do-gooders are totally missing a trick by endlessly lecturing us about what we should and shouldn't be eating. It gives all of these foodstuffs an element of naughtiness, a kind of "forbidden fruit" you could say. What they seem to not realise is that people don't generally like being told what to do, and will generally do the complete opposite, so the more they tell us to eat healthily, the fatter we get. No wonder we are all sneaking down to the fridge at quarter past midnight every night when everyone has gone to bed to scoff down an enormous clandestine slice of gala pie. Or maybe that's just me.
I think it is time for a new approach, and when my book comes out it will be a refreshing change for all those millions of people out there who actually enjoy their food and don't want to be made to feel guilty every time they gaze longingly as the sausage rolls and pork pies on the deli counter in the supermarket. It seems there is not a single book out there extolling the virtues of all these fine foods, but you are quite safe reading this with me! Go on - ignore the food miseries! Allow yourself that pork pie - why not? You've earned it! Life it to be enjoyed. You won't get any lectures here. Stick with me, it's safe and comfortable here and you can have whatever you want. I won't judge you. In fact I might even join you for a bacon bap if you're offering - in fact I am even willing to sign your bap if you ask nicely x
Now if the Government followed my advice and told us all to eat these foods, I think there would be a collective weight loss! Make salad the villain instead - then people who want to be naughty can eat that instead! Forgive me if I don't join you, I've got an aversion to chlorophyll.
Getting back on topic, I don't want to become typecast as "The Sausage Man". You would think from some of the newspaper and magazine articles recently that it was all I ever ate. Maybe I will end up having to accept it and embrace it in the same way that Leonard Nimoy will always be "Spock", however, I feel I owe it you, my legion of food loving fans to embrace the whole portfolio of foods and outlets available, therefore we shall be exploring all manner of other foods and where to buy them in the weeks and months that lie ahead.
So come with me if you will, in to Bicester town centre, where great things are afoot. If you a local you may well be aware that I run a facebook page called "Bicester Town Centre Chat". Now whilst this may appear that I am providing a nice community area for people to discuss local happenings, it is in fact merely a front for my own evil ends. In addition to the standard crazed "world domination" plans, "Dr Evil" style, it also gives me a great opportunity to steer the conversation around to all things fast food at every opportunity and convince my rapidly growing empire of followers that Bicester will never be truly happy until the entire town centre is wall to wall eating establishments. Our little group, which is becoming a big group, is so huge that it is now attracting attention from national chains who are beating down the doors to come here. Whilst rumours of Greggs and others abound, we have for certain arriving next month an American style diner and a Nando's. In order to drum up interest in Nando's I decided to run a little competition on the group where I offered a paperback copy of my book "Austerity Dad" worth £9.99 for the person who could come up with the most amusing reason why they were looking forward to Nando's coming to town.
|Coming to Bicester on 27th November!|
NB: When I say my book is "worth" £9.99, that is in fact how much it costs. Not being so egotistical that I believe that the entire world thinks my books are the funniest things ever invented since sliced bread (which in itself is not that funny), I did offer a cash equivalent prize to the winner of "1p" for people with no sense of humour.
I was also going to run a second competition for a free date with me at the aforemtioned "Deans Diner" but when one of the group members suggested I could offer a second prize of "two dates with me" I decided better of it.
So what is Nando's like? I did go to one once in Oxford years ago, my own personal perception was that it was a bit of a posh KFC, I guess we shall find out when it opens. So it's time to filter through some of the entries and see what people have to say: All the entries were great but I don't have time to analyse them all so I have picked five favourites as our final nominees:
Hayley Collier: I am looking forward to NANDOS coming to bicester because.........
I have never been to one plus I have the urge to go dressed as a chicken lol xx
That will definitely be worth seeing, Hayley!
Wendi Woo: I'm looking forward to Nando's coming to Bicester because it will be one less shop unit for Costa Coffee to inhabit!
Excellent entry, Wendi clears knows my feelings on Costa, now that is how to do well in a competition, get to know the judges. NB: I don't mean getting to know the judges like that, no such offers were forthcoming (see below).
Emma Lou Cowell: I'm looking forwards to Nando's coming to Bicester because I've never eaten in one before and when I'm driving past the one in Oxford and I like the look of the cock in their window.
A cock in a window, what more could a girl ask for?
Laura Wyllie: I'm looking forward to nandos coming to Bicester so that Jason can do a smoking hot interview in newspaper, without holding his sausages
I may have to borrow Hayley's chicken outfit for the interview, Laura!
Sarah Hewitt: I am looking forward to Nandos coming to Bicester because it opens just in time for my birthday :0) love love love their piri piri seasoned chips and their chicken is 100 xs better than KFC!!!
I love KFC so if their chicken is 100x better I am not sure if my body will be able to withstand the pleasure!
Just before I announce the winner I would like to point out that none of the competitors offered me any sort of cash bribe or to sleep with me in order to win. Clearly I am not abusing my position of power strongly enough and will have to try harder next time.
And the winner is...Hayley Collier! I shall see you outside Nando's on 27th November dressed in your chicken costume, to present you with your prize!
I also went into town and interviewed a few prominent local residents outside Nando's to see what they had to say which provided some interesting responses.
Local crime-fighting superhero, Captain Chubbchaser had the following to say: "I'm really looking forward to Nando's coming to town, this is going to have a real beneficial effect on the town's wasistlines. There's far too many skinny people around here, especially the girls. Look at that one over there, practically skin and bone. She can't be more than 12 stone,. Women of Bicester - come down here and fill up and who knows, I might return the favour".
Eccentric throwback to Roman Times, Bloaticus, said "I can't wait to get into Nando's and I am going to buy everything on the menu. Then I am going to sit in the middle of a long table and throw all of my chicken bones over my shoulder and anyone who does not like it I'll send to the Colosseum".
Reclusive millionaire "Lord Bicester", on a rare outing to purchase some venison from Sainsbury's said "No I shall not be going into such a frightful place. All of my poultry is hand reared on the thighs of a virgin you know. Well that would be if I could find any in Bicester. I'm having to settle for importing Yang Sizhong chickens these days. I don't know what the world is coming to. In fact I am going straight home to write a letter to the Daily Telegraph about it".
So that about rounds up my preview of Nando's which is opening on the 27th November. I hope to see you there for a live report! And if anyone from Nando's is reading, you could do a lot worse than hire me to be your special celebrity guest to open the new outlet! Who better than a well known local celebrity writer who has published two books as well as being featured in countless newspapers, magazines and on radio shows over the past few months for my culinary exploits! Don't just take my word for it, just type "Jason Ayres Sausage Taster" into Google and you can learn all about me! I shall draw you plenty of publicity - please feel free to PM me on facebook and we can discuss my fee.
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Until next time, food lovers